Peccavo (peccavo) wrote,

Social awkwardness / phobias

The last few weeks have been a little harder on me than usual. Maybe it's winter getting to me. So, I'm a different person alone versus with other people. With other people I put on the mask, smile, construct who I think "pecky" should be in this context. But the last few weeks my mind has been dizzy, and I can't quite keep up. Or I'm absurdly sober, and I see clearly how awkward I always am. In either case, I'm not amused. Sleeve didn't want to get together last weekend, and hasn't been messaging me at all -- my rational brain says he's busy and has his own anxieties to tackle -- but my irrational brain says I did something wrong, or he's thought better of our friendship, or just wants to go a different direction. I hate silence. I saw GB trolling me online this weekend, so I made the audacious move to send a text message... No response of course. Maybe he has a voyeuristic thing. I tried not to let on that I know he trolls my online profiles... but we *are* sort of friends, so I don't know... maybe he changed phone numbers... I'll ask him direct next time I see him.

The wedding stuff has been exhausting me, and I haven't been sleeping well. Further, being in solitary confinement all day every day (i.e. having my own office) has not been the trip I thought it would be. While I don't like it very loud out in an open plan, this is too much isolation, too much quiet. I need something during the day.

I feel like Will's been uptight lately. He has the foot recovery and the upcoming promotion. But everything's always so serious, if not him then me. There isn't time to relax and sort of digest what's going on. It was several days into the Paris trip before he would calm the fuck down already, and he's back to being tightly wound. It feels like so much of it revolves around money. I feel like he over-spends at times, so he gets obsessed chasing that next dollar. I try to get him to calm down, but that feels futile at times. And all the additional costs of the wedding are making it worse. I wish I could make him feel safe and like everything's going to be okay.

We are in couples' therapy, and we've improved considerably with our communication. I think the next step is probably trust and control issues. I think our therapist hit a nerve harder than he expected when we asked last session what we think our growth opportunity was.
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I feel like he over-spends at times, so he gets obsessed chasing that next dollar.
Ugh... Hopefully he can learn to chill out. :)
Hugs, Jon