Peccavo (peccavo) wrote,

I want to build a better world for myself and others

The past few days prove that I've been too hard on myself. I'm much happier in general today than I was a few days ago. But more on that later, first Valentine's Day update. I had a very nice Valentine's Day with Will. He *loved* his present: I got him an XXX coloring book I saw featured on Huffington Post called, "Last Night I Dreamt Someone Loved Me." Then I made a surprise appointment at Mister Grooming down in "Larry-ville". He loved loved loved it. Of course, we exchanged chocolates, but to be honest, right now I'm not into a whole lot of sweets. We had some time to talk, and I had a bit of an emotional out-burst. Insecurities about being queer, being me, and the pressures of outside society. We had some nice "us" time then went to dinner. Dinner was pretty damn amazing. And because we knew to ask, we had the same cordial that we'd found in that restaurant in Paris. It was bliss. And call me kooky, but close to when we were leaving, we saw a very young couple come in, puppies, really, the waitress had to card them. And this was a fairly pricey restaurant. The one was a white guy in a light brown sweater, and the other was an asian guy in a black and white pattern sweater; both looked college age to be generous. Very out of place in the middle-aged setting. They looked so awkward it was cute. So, on an impulse, as we left, I put enough money to cover two entrées with the waitress on their tab, and asked not to let them know until the check came. I remember what it was like to be young and in love... saving up to spend more than I could really afford on a nice meal. And that's projecting a little bit. Maybe they were wealthy young snots who could afford it. But maybe I wanted them to know there's a world and a society out there that accepts, supports, and encourages their existence. I hope they have a nice Valentine's Day.

As for me and my drama. My outreach to GB paid off. He actually messaged me back for the first time in a while. He'd like to have dinner after he gets back from Florida; he's in St Pete for a softball retreat he goes to every year. And I got to spend time with Sleeve yesterday. Sparing the gory details, we had a nice time, and spent some quality time talking which was nice. He's going to San Francisco next week for work, so I will have to encourage him to visit the Castro district if he has time. I was so worked up earlier in the week that neither would ever want to talk to me again... I don't know why... stupid insecurities... I instructed the partner practice at yoga Wednesday night, but I didn't have a partner for myself; which was just as well, since I was free to move around, instruct, and correct. It would have been nice, though.

In talking with Will early, I said a few things that surprised myself. I've been opening up more lately. And trying to articulate what I really want. I want a place. I want to belong. I want to learn how to make those things happen.

Antonin Scalia died yesterday. He epitomized the forces contrary to the world I want to build and make happen. I'm in touch with a certain vulnerability. Prejudice and discrimination in an unjust society not only makes it harder for the disadvantaged, but for all of us.

An acquaintance (or friend?), Jeremy, is serving 3 years in a federal prison for unjust and trumped out charges. This upsets me to no end. I want to believe in society where justice is served... Where was his money, his privilege? The judge and the prosecutors came down on him as if he were a sodomite, a morally corrupt individual, a seducer, an amoral wretch. No number of letters, people in the community coming, record of civic engagement or community service could save him. In the eyes of the law, we're still godless fags that exist to be punished. I don't know where I'm going to go with this, but it needs to be somewhere.
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